I'm A Dad

This week has been the hardest, most wonderful time of my life.

Right now I'm sitting on a couch that slants forward just enough to make you uncomfortable. 
The lights are turned out in this hospital room while Aft and the baby sleep.
Little Maggie May. This little girl has given me a memorable week. And obviously this experience has been that much more intense and 
life-changing for Afton, so I'm sure her perspective is much more impactful. But I can honestly say I have never been through 
anything so difficult and so very terrifying. And I'm a better man for it.

We were supposed to come in Monday night to begin the induction for Afton. At that point, she was 41 weeks + 4 days. But we got a call from the hospital saying they don't have a bed available, and said they'd call us during the night. We got the call just before 6 AM the following morning. We headed to the hospital, and there began a process that would last far longer than anyone expected, 
and certainly more trying than we wanted.
The details of the next few days are many, but essentially we worked with our amazing midwives to help Afton's body go into labor by literally using every medicine and method they had available. The progress was slow, but steady. And each day we would think to ourselves 
"Ok, this is the day our baby will be born!". And even our nurses and midwives were sure each day that with just a little more push, 
Afton's body will take over things and get the baby out.
But discouragement, complete lack of sleep, and frustration were the norm. Eventually we didn't even care when she came, we just needed to know both Afton and baby would be safe. And we wanted to always keep the C section option as the last resort. There were lots of prayers, lots of tears, and an overwhelming amount of love and support from friends and family. Though we were going through the most difficult trial I have ever experienced, it was also impactful to me the closeness I felt to our Heavenly Father and all our loved ones- both seen and unseen. 
I don't think I'll ever be able to describe it adequately- knowing certain people are in the room watching over us and Maggie, sensing the many friends and family praying and worrying over us.

On Thursday things really progressed. Afton was in active labor, having regular contractions, and her body seemed ready to do this. But after that awesome progress, we then found ourselves hitting a very hard wall. Afton had dilated to 5 cm but had stopped there for hours. And what's worse- baby's heart rate dropped suddenly because of the way Afton was laying. This had happened already before so we all knew not to worry, we just need to re-position Afton. But a nurse had decided to immediately turn off the petocin- the medicine that was the only thing working to get Afton's body into labor- and she did so because she figured it was why the heart rate was dropping. Hospital protocol said we had to wait 30 minutes to turn it back on, and had to start at a much lower dose and work our way back up. I remember in that moment wanting to be so angry and so done with everything. But I wasn't. How could I when I felt so sure that we were in safe hands?

When Afton's contractions got back to being regular again, our midwife told us that she'd check her in 45 minutes. 
If there hasn't been progress, we have to look at other options.
45 minutes passed, and Afton was still at 5 cm. It appeared that her contractions weren't quite strong enough to open her cervix more. And we told the midwife we know a C section is the best thing to do. We went into this process from the beginning knowing that it had to be the last resort- and now we were there. But we felt good about it. We knew it was what needed to be done; every other method was unsuccessful. We were just anxious to have our baby with us and safe. I am so grateful for the calm we both felt when that decision had to be made.

The C section itself wasn't rushed. We actually had a couple of hours to prepare ourselves before going in. 
In that time Afton was able to rest more and we had time to talk. Then we headed into the O.R.
After 3 difficult days of trial, this was definitely the hardest and most painful part of it all. I have never felt so much terror and fear. Afton's body was shaking pretty uncontrollably from the epidural- which I guess isn't unusual- but that made the procedure difficult for her to get through. I sat close to her and encouraged her. There were 3 times I had to tell her to open her eyes and look at me, for fear that she was blacking out. 
Or worse. Afton later told me she's quite sure she blacked out near the end.
But in the middle of all this, there was the moment when our midwife told us the baby's out and I saw in the corner of my eye this little frail body in one of the nurses arms. I heard her cry out. I'm an emotional guy but not a huge crier. But in that moment I looked at Afton and poured out tears as I whispered to her "that's our baby". It was such a huge moment.

The next few hours were surreal and crazy. Afton seemed to recover quicker than we thought she would, to the point that she could hold baby and enjoy everything more. People have asked me if I feel like her dad, which I don't. But I wonder if you ever do. Like what does that mean? Does it mean that I love her more than I knew I could love someone? I feel that. Does it mean that I feel this overwhelming responsibility to keep her safe? I feel that. Does it mean that she has changed the way I look at the world and feel about life? I feel that. 
So maybe I do feel like her dad, but it's just not what I expected.

The last couple of days have been challenging but extremely wonderful. There have been challenges. And some of them scared me. But we seem to be this great team of 3 that works through each hurdle really well. She's a really sweet baby, very calm gentle.
And I really have never been more in love with Aft. She is a warrior. This week has been so much on her, but every step of the way she was so strong and so unbelievably brave. And now I watch her care for Maggie May and she is so good to her. I will eventually feel like her dad, but Afton is definitely already her mother. Watching the two of them together is beautiful.
My entire life I have wanted to be a good dad. It's been my dream. 
And now that I'm here, I'm realizing that the most important part of that is Afton. 
Making sure she's happy and cared for, and working with her.

I'm grateful for the hell that was this week.
And I'm excited for what lies ahead.
I will probably joke that I'll be so boring (which really is true), 
but most of the best things in life are not that flashy or exciting.

Let's do this.

There's The Rub.