Being Right, and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves

"I do love it when I'm right. Which is fortunate, since I so often am."

I recently had a conversation with Afton regarding my concerns about the way we were spending our time. I had thought about it a lot beforehand, so I knew exactly what I needed to say so as to effectively express my feelings without getting off-topic. I was kind in my approach, I believe, and put an emphasis on the good intentions I had in speaking with her. I got to a point in the conversation when I had said everything I intended to express, and I felt like I did it well.

The problem is that, as the conversation continued, I was wrong.

As good as my intentions were, my opinion was wrong. And Afton, with a lot of patience and love, helped me see that.

Since then I've been thinking a lot about the idea of "being right". I've had it on my mind for the past several months actually. Mostly in context of moral, political, and social conversations that are so regularly held on social media these days.

But this widened my perspective, putting the idea in the context of relationships and particularly marriage.

What I've observed is that, far too often, people generally believe that they are 100% right and those that disagree in any amount are 100% wrong.  
(If you disagree with me on this then there's a risk that you're just proving my point. But that's beside the point.)

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I want to suggest that we are never right. Not 100% right, at least.
And yet, it seems like humans easily feel comfortable declaring they are right- and that others who disagree are wrong.

I think what gets in our way is usually our ego and our pride. It doesn't matter what the conversation is about- how I spend time with my wife, gun control, which candidate deserves our votes, or the education of America's children. When we approach the subject with our ego, ego always takes precedent over the issue itself. 
Ezra Taft Benson described it perfectly:

"Pride is concerned with WHO is right.
Humility is concerned with WHAT is right." 

Being right is not a bad thing. We all want to be right, and for good reason. It brings security and understanding.

But there's an appropriate way to be right. For one thing, are you right because you've made an assumption based on others' declaration that something is so? Or are you right because you have educated yourself, pondered it, considered different options, and then decided on what you were confident was correct?
And then it gets more complicated. Just because I'm right doesn't mean that another person with another view can't be right also. I'm not necessarily referring to moral relativity- although that can play into this too. I'm more referring to the idea that truth is very complex and there's so often more common ground than disagreement. We just can't be swayed by our pride's need to be validated.

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But the most important idea in this conversation is the value of being wrong.

Afton really did me a great service when she helped me see that I was wrong. Since then I've been more humble and open my mind to different ideas on what our conversation was about, how we spend our time. A psychologist named Charlie Bloom describes it like this:

"The opposite of being self-righteous is not assuming you're wrong, or knowing exactly what's true—it's being open to the uniqueness of any given situation and bringing curiosity, along with a willingness to learn something new, to it. 

In practicing this non-attachment to our beliefs, thoughts, and views, we're not admitting that we're wrong; we're simply expressing an openness to looking at our conclusions from other perspectives. This can liberate us from defensive patterns that no longer serve us, and enhance our lives in innumerable ways."

Being wrong isn't fatal, and we need to stop viewing it as such. We are lucky that we can be wrong from time to time. Not being wrong on purpose of course, but we can look at being wrong as a cost to ultimately being right in the end.

Try really hard to be right. Know what you're talking about-educate yourself, ponder it, etc.

But then, wonder how you might be wrong. 
Why would that be? Who would think you're wrong and why? Could they be right too?

Remember this next time you talk about that hot-button political issue.

Or the next time your spouse, co-worker, or friend disagrees with you.


You might be right, you might not be. But this way, you can know you're doing what's right. 

There's The Rub.