I always understood the apostle Thomas. I get him.
I wrote about this once a long while back but I thought I'd re-visit this, as it has been on my mind lately with interactions with people.
Thomas was an apostle of Jesus Christ. He served with the Savior during his mortal ministry.
And, as I imagine is the case with each of the apostles, I'm sure he had a close personal relationship with the Lord.
And then Christ was killed. His Mentor, his Friend, his Savior was gone. And he had to deal with that reality- the reality
that things weren't going to go like he had probably planned. His faith was being tested.
Then a few days pass and Thomas is approached by his fellow apostles. Men who he had spent so much time with and
experienced incredible things with. They tell him astonishing news that they had seen the resurrected Christ.
They had spoken with Him. They witnessed that their dear leader still lived.
Thomas reacts much like I think I would have:
"But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails,
and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hands into his side, I will not believe" (John 19)
Or I prefer the way Rob Gardner words it (Lamb of God):
"You've seen the Lord? You've seen Him risen? You've seen His hands and touched His side, and you are certain?
But I've not seen Him. And I must see Him. Until I've seen His wounded side, until my hands have felt his Hands,
I will not know. Nor yet believe..."
How often I've struggled like this.
I have wonderful family and friends with such strong testimonies. They inspire me to be a better, more Christ-like individual.
And I love and appreciate everything they do for me, which is more than they know.
But I have had those times when I've felt left out. Like they've been so blessed to have this intimate relationship and experiences with Divinity and I'm just struggling to not feel like I don't belong. I most often feel this way when I look at so many of my friends- served missions, married in the temple, having children- and most importantly they're all doing it the right way.
They are so obedient and good. And not that I'm not, I just sometimes feel like it's not enough from me.
Like I don't measure up therefore I don't have the close relationship with the Lord I desire.
So sometimes I feel like Thomas may have felt. My friends tell me what a beautiful, monumental experience
they've all had with Him. And I just feel left out. And I don't understand why.
But the lesson to be learned is later in the story.
It was 8 days after all this occurred. That's a little more than a week.
I've always imagined what I would've experienced in that week if I were Thomas. The sadness, the feeling of rejection,
and maybe eventually the bitterness and resentment towards his fellow apostles and the Lord.
8 days have passed and he has yet to ever have the kind of witness his friends have had.
But where was he?
He was with the apostles. He was serving. He was doing what he knew the Lord expected of him.
He could've have felt sorry for himself and he could've abandoned it all. If the Lord wanted him to
be an apostle, why doesn't he get the same privileges?
But he didn't! He was faithful, even when it was hard! Even when he was hurt- he put the Lord first!
He was where he was supposed to be- a good place with good people.
And because of this, he saw the Lord. He heard His voice, touched His hands and side.
I've always assumed that the Lord visited the apostles that day for several reasons, but primarily to be with Thomas.
The Lord was so mindful of him and I've always imagined Christ's aching as he had to let him wait for his own witness.
I've had my own periods of silence. Well, not silence. But times when, for whatever reason, I've struggled to feel close to the Lord. And every time I've felt discouraged or sorrowful, I've just reminded myself of Thomas and his example.
I know that the Lord is aware of each us individually. I know He is watching over me. And I know He wants to be close to me.
But I also know that He loves me unconditionally and will never put His own desires- even if it's to be close to me-
before my personal growth. So sometimes He lets me struggle a little.
I've heard it described like a parent teaching a child how to walk.
The baby wants to be held by their parent. They love them.
And certainly the parent loves their baby, but they also know the need for this.
So I just imagine the Lord on the other side of the room from me. Yes, He's a little ways off.
And yes, He's the one that placed me there.
But I know He's calling out to me with His arms out encouraging me,
telling me to just walk His way.
Thomas was an apostle of Jesus Christ. He served with the Savior during his mortal ministry.
And, as I imagine is the case with each of the apostles, I'm sure he had a close personal relationship with the Lord.
And then Christ was killed. His Mentor, his Friend, his Savior was gone. And he had to deal with that reality- the reality
that things weren't going to go like he had probably planned. His faith was being tested.
Then a few days pass and Thomas is approached by his fellow apostles. Men who he had spent so much time with and
experienced incredible things with. They tell him astonishing news that they had seen the resurrected Christ.
They had spoken with Him. They witnessed that their dear leader still lived.
Thomas reacts much like I think I would have:
"But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails,
and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hands into his side, I will not believe" (John 19)
Or I prefer the way Rob Gardner words it (Lamb of God):
"You've seen the Lord? You've seen Him risen? You've seen His hands and touched His side, and you are certain?
But I've not seen Him. And I must see Him. Until I've seen His wounded side, until my hands have felt his Hands,
I will not know. Nor yet believe..."
How often I've struggled like this.
I have wonderful family and friends with such strong testimonies. They inspire me to be a better, more Christ-like individual.
And I love and appreciate everything they do for me, which is more than they know.
But I have had those times when I've felt left out. Like they've been so blessed to have this intimate relationship and experiences with Divinity and I'm just struggling to not feel like I don't belong. I most often feel this way when I look at so many of my friends- served missions, married in the temple, having children- and most importantly they're all doing it the right way.
They are so obedient and good. And not that I'm not, I just sometimes feel like it's not enough from me.
Like I don't measure up therefore I don't have the close relationship with the Lord I desire.
So sometimes I feel like Thomas may have felt. My friends tell me what a beautiful, monumental experience
they've all had with Him. And I just feel left out. And I don't understand why.
But the lesson to be learned is later in the story.
It was 8 days after all this occurred. That's a little more than a week.
I've always imagined what I would've experienced in that week if I were Thomas. The sadness, the feeling of rejection,
and maybe eventually the bitterness and resentment towards his fellow apostles and the Lord.
8 days have passed and he has yet to ever have the kind of witness his friends have had.
But where was he?
He was with the apostles. He was serving. He was doing what he knew the Lord expected of him.
He could've have felt sorry for himself and he could've abandoned it all. If the Lord wanted him to
be an apostle, why doesn't he get the same privileges?
But he didn't! He was faithful, even when it was hard! Even when he was hurt- he put the Lord first!
He was where he was supposed to be- a good place with good people.
And because of this, he saw the Lord. He heard His voice, touched His hands and side.
I've always assumed that the Lord visited the apostles that day for several reasons, but primarily to be with Thomas.
The Lord was so mindful of him and I've always imagined Christ's aching as he had to let him wait for his own witness.
I've had my own periods of silence. Well, not silence. But times when, for whatever reason, I've struggled to feel close to the Lord. And every time I've felt discouraged or sorrowful, I've just reminded myself of Thomas and his example.
I know that the Lord is aware of each us individually. I know He is watching over me. And I know He wants to be close to me.
But I also know that He loves me unconditionally and will never put His own desires- even if it's to be close to me-
before my personal growth. So sometimes He lets me struggle a little.
I've heard it described like a parent teaching a child how to walk.
The baby wants to be held by their parent. They love them.
And certainly the parent loves their baby, but they also know the need for this.
So I just imagine the Lord on the other side of the room from me. Yes, He's a little ways off.
And yes, He's the one that placed me there.
But I know He's calling out to me with His arms out encouraging me,
telling me to just walk His way.
There's The Rub.
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